Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Hour 22 (3-4 a.m.): Now That's One Crazy Pig Farmer!

Someone wanna tell me why they waited until the last 3 episodes to remind us that hiding inside every bad season is an awesome TV show struggling to get out?! Somebody, please!




Some observations:

1. First 20 minutes kicked some major butt, especially that scene where Nadia, Morris, and Jack took out the Chinese kidnappers. It was intensely frenetic and just frantic enough to seem pretty real. It wasn’t pretty, which is what I liked about it. Poor Morris: armed a nuclear device under duress, nearly fell off the wagon, ended it with Chloe (although how do you break it off with someone who's already your ex?), and then was forced to fight a Chinese terrorist for his life, armed only with a Microsoft training certificate...


...and a flask of whiskey.


2. Anyone notice the American Express commercial that asked, “Are you left wanting more?” My reply: “No, not really. I’m sort of left wanting So You Think You Can Dance.”


3. When Jack asked Josh if he had heard anything in the background as he talked to his grandfather, I SO wanted Josh to say “Yeah, I think I heard pigs squealing.”


4. Loved Jack’s reply to the question “Why’s your dad involved?”

“I don’t know, but I’ll ask him when I find him…and then I’ll sever his fingers with this...


...gouge out his eyes with this...


...and roast his testicles with this.


5. When Bishop wanted to know why Lisa Miller seemed distant, why didn’t she say, “Of course, I’m distant! I’m picturing myself in Gitmo eating rice and beans, you a$$!


I HATE YOU!” Isn't she about the third jilted woman to go berserk on 24?! That's a little sexist. Why don't any jilted MEN ever go berzerk?

Sigh, another ridiculous repeated plot device. Why don’t we put the writers in Gitmo, FOR JACK’S SAKE!


6. Speaking of Gitmo, now that Bishop AND Miller are headed there, I wonder if they’ll get conjugal visits?

(Poor Bishop. He'll probably get a conjugal visit before SHE will, if you know what I mean.)

7. I’m sure no one missed Cisco's very blatant TelePresence product placement.


It even got a mention in the script. What’s next? “CHLOE! I’m calling you from my sleek Sprint satellite phone...



...and I need a rundown on the schematics from your brand-new Dell laptop!
I’m on my way back in my Cadillac Escalade that seats eight comfortably...



...but before I do that, I need to sever my father’s fingers with my handy quick-motion Sears Craftsman wirecutters...


...gouge out his eyes with a stainless steel Pampered Chef melon scoop (available online and at finer department stores)...


...and roast his testicles on a fat-reducing George Foreman Grill!


OVER AND OUT!


8. Loved the way the Russian president...


...gave an ultimatum that fit conveniently into the 2-hour finale. Imagine how sweaty Noah “Boink Them 2 x 2” Daniels would’ve gotten had Suvarov said, “I’ll give you, uhh, THREE hours to meet my demands.” That would’ve been sweet!


9. Loved the final moments. Daniels: “Tom. Karen. Although I normally don’t negotiate with known sociopaths (unless it’s Lisa Miller)...


(seen here wishing she had remembered to wash that Studio 54 stamp off her hand)

...we’ve got to figure out what do about Phillip Bauer! I've got it…ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS! Tom, I know you have an advantage.”


10. Did we really need Jack screaming “JOSH!” at the top of his lungs while Josh mouthed “Uncle Jackie-poo” as the helicopter lifts off? Gimme a break. Good lord, when they’re not lifting plot devices from their own shows, they’re stealing ideas from old Disney movies.


I kept expecting Streisand to fade into the soundtrack with "Memories"...


...while you-know-who flashed through Josh’s head...


...and you-know-who flashed through Jack’s head.



In next week’s 2-hour finale:

Buchanan makes it back with a top-secret delivery...


...while Chloe faints when she sees this...

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