Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Hour 15 (8-9 p.m.): This Week on An Agent’s Deepest Desire, Two Federal Agents Get All Slobbery and Then Plan to Boink Later

...Or were we watching a government-funded version of this...

...minus the couch-jumpin’ freak, of course.

Very good scene with Brady. Thank God he didn't freak out, as idiot savants in the movies are wont to do.

A few observations:

1. Doyle’s bad, but is he evil?

Yes, I think so. All those crying jags as a kid...

...and those dark years on Silver Spoons...

...probably turned him into one bad seed.

He’ll probably bite it somewhere down the line.

2. I really like Karen Hayes, but her bedside manner has a lot to be desired: “Uhh, Sandra, I’m sorry for all that hullabaloo a couple years ago, what with your big brother getting that nasty bullet to the head right after he became known as the BEST PRESIDENT EVER!

...and your Muslim boyfriend getting thrown into an interment camp...

...and now your other big brother who happens to be the CURRENT President of the United States lies there knocked out by an assassin's bomb...

...while the evil crazy Vice President...

...has a pissing contest...

...with an innocent Middle Eastern country (albeit unnamed because Fox TV can’t afford the fallout of having Fayed hail from any of these countries)...

...in spite of all you’re going through...d’ya think you could give us permission to wake up Wayne...

(seen here on a recent White House Casual Friday)
...possibly sending him into cardiac arrest...

...but maybe waking him just long enough to prevent World War III?

Hmm? Whatcha think ‘bout that? Whaddya think Wayne would do if he were awake right now?

What Would Wayne Do?! WWWD?! Get it? Dontcha think he'd be watching over us, just like in the above picture? Choosing his beloved country over everything else?! No pressure. Life as we know it only hangs in the balance. Take your time. Want some coffee?”

Geez, Karen, LAY OFF!

3. Meanwhile, back at Raymond’s house, I mean, Brady’s house, Jack talks to Dustin Hoffman:

“Brady, I ‘m going to ‘talk’ to your brother Mark,” which translates to “I’m going to poke him in his wound with a pencil until he screams to the point of exhausted delirium.”

4. Meanwhile, back at Ass-a-Palooza, I mean, CTU...

...Doyle continues to be an ass.

And of course, Buchanan convinces Nadia to keep working. What’s with all these wronged employees setting aside their differences for the greater good? WHEN, ON GOD’S GREEN EARTH, IS SOMEONE GONNA SUE CTU’S A$$ INTO OBLIVION?!!! WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME?! Sort of makes me wanna pull my hair out.

5. Of course, we had to watch Milo and Nadia make out...

(get a room already!)

...as if the producers wanted to say, “See, folks, different cultures CAN get along and even end up boinking, if you just give love a chance!” (YAWN) Stop wasting our time with the silly romantic back story!

6. Loved it when Jack said, “Prep Gredenko for interrogation.” We all know that was Jackspeak for “Moisturize his fingernails with alcohol and cayenne pepper for proper bamboo shoot insertion.”

Hmm. Not as dangerous-looking as I imagined. Guess it's all in the technique.

7. What a shocker! Wayne Palmer flatlines for oh, say, about 2 minutes before waking up a little groggy, but basically refreshed.

He’s been drinking Jack Juice, apparently.

WAYNE PALMER CAME OUT OF HIS CHEMICALLY INDUCED COMA JUST IN TIME TO SAVE THE WORLD! WOO HOO! Why in the heck didn’t he force Noah "Nuke 'em Two by Two" Daniels to tender his resignation?

Or do something just as honorable, like swallow arsenic...

...or commit hari-kari...

...or manage a fast-food place?

...or move to New Zealand with this guy...

...or be forced to cut his hair like this...

Next week:

Milo and Nadia make out some more...

...while in another over-the-top decision, Fox casts this person as the Attorney General:

Dammit, Simmons, get off your tiptoes, stop dancin', turn off that loud oldies crap, shed those gawl-durn short shorts, and DEEM WAYNE PALMER INCOMPETENT!

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Hour 14 (7-8 p.m.): Like That Old Waterbed in Our Basement, CTU Springs Another Leak

Is it me or is this season getting WAY OVER THE TOP?!

Here Jack disguises himself as an aging truck driver who enters an arm-wrestling contest to win back his tween-aged son's love. Don't laugh. How much you wanna bet it's a major plot point in Season Seven?

What’s next? A boxing kangaroo?

Grace Jones as an evil mastermind?

Casting the director’s daughter in a major role?

Thank God you found directing, Sofia.

We've been there, done that on just about every plot point. Do faithful fans really need another mole at CTU?

Another dead wife/lover/girlfriend for Jack?

Another nuclear crisis/World War III averted at the last second?

Another foreigner and/or employee under suspicion tortured in the bowels of the CTU building?

Another incident of bad blood between employees?

Another Friend of Jack dead and gone?

Another rogue group of foreign terrorists?

Another malicious president?

There are concerns among my fellow Jackophiles that 24 has jumped the shark.

Let’s just pray this is just one of those off seasons. You know, it’s cyclical: seasons 3 & 4 were not super, but fairly good, what with all of Kim’s boyfriends losing their limbs willy-nilly, and then season 5 came along and blew us all out of the water, just like season 1 had. We must maintain hope, fellow Kiefer Kids, that 24 will one day regain its luster. Until then, we’ll just have to find solace in other shows, like Ugly Betty, Lost, and other superlative programs like The Hills, and Ninja Warrior.

Anyhoo, just a few observations this week.

1. Love the way Jack always resorts to saying “As soon as this is all over…” Marilyn needs to RUN LIKE HELL!

She should know that any relationship is gonna suck if it EVER includes any sentence containing “Before I was taken prisoner by the Chinese…”

Jack Bauer is poison.

DOESN’T SHE KNOW THAT?! Just ask this girl...

or this one...

or her...

or her...

or her...

(Still recovering from a bullet to the leg above the kneecap that was not meant to cripple her, but still caused months of rehab, which she's still paying for.)

or her...

or him...

or this guy.

2. So, the stork is dead.

Not sure how to feel about this. Is she really dead? Or is this another fake-out designed to send Jack to Meadowcreek, “where celebrities lose their marbles every day!”

He could be Martha Logan’s roommate. Of course, if that happened, she’d end up dead eventually, because JACK IS POISON!

And of course, Jack is now in it for the long haul, so he can avenge Audrey’s death. Ho hum.

You go on ahead, Jack, and go for it. I’ll stay here and rearrange my sock drawer...

...or work on my curio cabinet filled with Chronicles of Narnia figurines.

Last week: in order of publication, this week—ALPHABETICAL!

3. Powers Boothe is supremely sinister as Noah “Nuke ‘Em Two by Two” Daniels.

Here we see him putting his ear to the ground to pick up the screams of all his nuclear victims.
I think he’s the best actor of this season. WAY better than Wayne “Chemically Induced Coma” Palmer.

4. Another mole at CTU?!


We, as faithful fans of the show, should start a letter-writing campaign to clean up CTU.

If CTU were a real government organization, don’t you think it’d be shut down after, say, the fifth or sixth breach of security?! Yes, the show has always been over the top, but it just isn’t believable anymore. C’mon, writers, challenge yourselves and give us something we haven’t seen before!

5. Wouldn’t it behoove Jack simply to kill everyone? Every person he sees, he should just kill.

Then, next season, we can start ALL over with a new cast. Oh, wait, he already did that in season 5. If I were Chloe, I’d be VERY nervous.

Next week:

Wayne Palmer awakens to find himself in a whole new world, brought to us by Noah Daniels.

Jack finds a touching way to honor his beloved Audrey.