Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Finale, Hours 23-24 (4-6 a.m.): Jack Contemplates His Future…AS A VAMPIRE!

Well, I have to say that even when Kim Bauer’s boyfriends were losing limbs (left and right, yuk yuk)...

...like they were extras in Braveheart...

...and Jack was “chasing the dragon” in a Mexican drug cartel...

...nothing compares to the scattered, inconsistent, schizophrenic writing this season.

Thank God the most anticlimactic 24 season ever is over!

Some observations:

1. In spite of being dressed for his new job...

...Bill Buchanan decides to “go rogue” to help Jack. Anything beats delivering pizzas for $5.75 an hour.

2. Doyle runs like an old lady.

3. Phillip's instructions to Silver Spoons: 1) Turn off the satellite; 2) Get rid of that chopper; 3) Bring me a hot dog!


4. Did we really need another example of Rena Sofer’s fine acting?

(seen here in another one of her "masterpieces")

Her impersonation of a Lunatic Member of the PTA was really too much.

I now wish they would’ve put HER down instead of Redfro.

5. Stuart Pressman? What the…?! Why introduce a new character in the finale?! Simply to let us know that yes, Milo was in love with Nadia? STUPID! I don't even have a picture of the actor who played Stuart, so I'll use this instead.

6. Fresh out of amputation scenes, what do the 24 writers do? THEY BLIND SOMEONE! Ridiculous!

If Silver Spoons comes back, he’ll get to wear an eye patch. That’s really gonna boost the ratings next season.

7. And yes, Chloe’s pregnant. I just figured she just passed out because the script stunk like a dead possum on a country road.

8. I wish Jack had asked the newly blinded Doyle, “Mike, how many fingers am I holding up? No, really!”

9. What?! No intensely violent, blood-curdling Stars Wars-ish confrontation between father and son?!

After slogging through a season full of bad acting, inconsistent writing, and rehashed plot devices, diehard fans were salivating for the payoff—a deadly standoff with Phillip Bauer getting brutally blown away by his own son! For Jack simply to leave his evil father behind to perish quietly in the F-18 attack was THE most disappointing scene of the entire season. I suppose that was to allow the producers to bring Phillip back.


10. Well, Bill and Karen can now retire in peace...

...and eat dinner wherever and whenever they want! I would guess around 4:00 in the afternoon.

11. Did anyone notice Cheng's dead-on impersonation?

12. I swear, that final soporific scene with Heller...

...and Crazy Stork...

...was hardly bearable, ending with Jack staring out from the balcony contemplating what lies ahead. I caught a few Z’s during that scene.

Hmm. Wait a minute...Where have I caught that scene before? The one of Jack contemplating his future, about to head out into the unknown? Oh, yeah! 24: Day Four! BOO!

Well, with Doyle forced to wear an eye patch...

...here’s what’s gonna happen next season:

CTU, in an attempt to punish Morris' fumbling and Jack and Doyle's blatant disregard for federal counter-terrorism guidelines, relegates them to desk jobs in Kingston, Jamaica...

...where illegal music downloading runs rampant!

Day 7: Piracy in the Caribbean!

(Hmm. Jack and Morris don't look so good...)

Will Wayne Palmer finally come out...

...of his coma?

Will Charles Logan come out of that ambulance?

Will Martha Logan come out of her drug-addled haze?

Will Evil Pig Farmer come out alive from the F-18 attack and return to antagonize Jack once more?

Does anyone care?

Well, so ends another wacky season with Jack Bauer.

Until next season, spend some time reflecting on the beauty and solitude that make summer so peaceful and relaxing.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Hour 22 (3-4 a.m.): Now That's One Crazy Pig Farmer!

Someone wanna tell me why they waited until the last 3 episodes to remind us that hiding inside every bad season is an awesome TV show struggling to get out?! Somebody, please!

Some observations:

1. First 20 minutes kicked some major butt, especially that scene where Nadia, Morris, and Jack took out the Chinese kidnappers. It was intensely frenetic and just frantic enough to seem pretty real. It wasn’t pretty, which is what I liked about it. Poor Morris: armed a nuclear device under duress, nearly fell off the wagon, ended it with Chloe (although how do you break it off with someone who's already your ex?), and then was forced to fight a Chinese terrorist for his life, armed only with a Microsoft training certificate...

...and a flask of whiskey.

2. Anyone notice the American Express commercial that asked, “Are you left wanting more?” My reply: “No, not really. I’m sort of left wanting So You Think You Can Dance.”

3. When Jack asked Josh if he had heard anything in the background as he talked to his grandfather, I SO wanted Josh to say “Yeah, I think I heard pigs squealing.”

4. Loved Jack’s reply to the question “Why’s your dad involved?”

“I don’t know, but I’ll ask him when I find him…and then I’ll sever his fingers with this...

...gouge out his eyes with this...

...and roast his testicles with this.

5. When Bishop wanted to know why Lisa Miller seemed distant, why didn’t she say, “Of course, I’m distant! I’m picturing myself in Gitmo eating rice and beans, you a$$!

I HATE YOU!” Isn't she about the third jilted woman to go berserk on 24?! That's a little sexist. Why don't any jilted MEN ever go berzerk?

Sigh, another ridiculous repeated plot device. Why don’t we put the writers in Gitmo, FOR JACK’S SAKE!

6. Speaking of Gitmo, now that Bishop AND Miller are headed there, I wonder if they’ll get conjugal visits?

(Poor Bishop. He'll probably get a conjugal visit before SHE will, if you know what I mean.)

7. I’m sure no one missed Cisco's very blatant TelePresence product placement.

It even got a mention in the script. What’s next? “CHLOE! I’m calling you from my sleek Sprint satellite phone...

...and I need a rundown on the schematics from your brand-new Dell laptop!
I’m on my way back in my Cadillac Escalade that seats eight comfortably...

...but before I do that, I need to sever my father’s fingers with my handy quick-motion Sears Craftsman wirecutters...

...gouge out his eyes with a stainless steel Pampered Chef melon scoop (available online and at finer department stores)...

...and roast his testicles on a fat-reducing George Foreman Grill!


8. Loved the way the Russian president...

...gave an ultimatum that fit conveniently into the 2-hour finale. Imagine how sweaty Noah “Boink Them 2 x 2” Daniels would’ve gotten had Suvarov said, “I’ll give you, uhh, THREE hours to meet my demands.” That would’ve been sweet!

9. Loved the final moments. Daniels: “Tom. Karen. Although I normally don’t negotiate with known sociopaths (unless it’s Lisa Miller)...

(seen here wishing she had remembered to wash that Studio 54 stamp off her hand)

...we’ve got to figure out what do about Phillip Bauer! I've got it…ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS! Tom, I know you have an advantage.”

10. Did we really need Jack screaming “JOSH!” at the top of his lungs while Josh mouthed “Uncle Jackie-poo” as the helicopter lifts off? Gimme a break. Good lord, when they’re not lifting plot devices from their own shows, they’re stealing ideas from old Disney movies.

I kept expecting Streisand to fade into the soundtrack with "Memories"...

...while you-know-who flashed through Josh’s head...

...and you-know-who flashed through Jack’s head.

In next week’s 2-hour finale:

Buchanan makes it back with a top-secret delivery...

...while Chloe faints when she sees this...