Finale, Hours 23-24 (4-6 a.m.): Jack Contemplates His Future…AS A VAMPIRE!

Well, I have to say that even when Kim Bauer’s boyfriends were losing limbs (left and right, yuk yuk)...


...like they were extras in Braveheart...


...and Jack was “chasing the dragon” in a Mexican drug cartel...


...nothing compares to the scattered, inconsistent, schizophrenic writing this season.


Thank God the most anticlimactic 24 season ever is over!


Some observations:

1. In spite of being dressed for his new job...


...Bill Buchanan decides to “go rogue” to help Jack. Anything beats delivering pizzas for $5.75 an hour.

2. Doyle runs like an old lady.


3. Phillip's instructions to Silver Spoons: 1) Turn off the satellite; 2) Get rid of that chopper; 3) Bring me a hot dog!


I LOVE HOT DOGS!


4. Did we really need another example of Rena Sofer’s fine acting?


(seen here in another one of her "masterpieces")

Her impersonation of a Lunatic Member of the PTA was really too much.


I now wish they would’ve put HER down instead of Redfro.


5. Stuart Pressman? What the…?! Why introduce a new character in the finale?! Simply to let us know that yes, Milo was in love with Nadia? STUPID! I don't even have a picture of the actor who played Stuart, so I'll use this instead.


6. Fresh out of amputation scenes, what do the 24 writers do? THEY BLIND SOMEONE! Ridiculous!


If Silver Spoons comes back, he’ll get to wear an eye patch. That’s really gonna boost the ratings next season.


7. And yes, Chloe’s pregnant. I just figured she just passed out because the script stunk like a dead possum on a country road.


8. I wish Jack had asked the newly blinded Doyle, “Mike, how many fingers am I holding up? No, really!”


9. What?! No intensely violent, blood-curdling Stars Wars-ish confrontation between father and son?!


After slogging through a season full of bad acting, inconsistent writing, and rehashed plot devices, diehard fans were salivating for the payoff—a deadly standoff with Phillip Bauer getting brutally blown away by his own son! For Jack simply to leave his evil father behind to perish quietly in the F-18 attack was THE most disappointing scene of the entire season. I suppose that was to allow the producers to bring Phillip back.


BAD WRITERS! BAD WRITERS!


10. Well, Bill and Karen can now retire in peace...


...and eat dinner wherever and whenever they want! I would guess around 4:00 in the afternoon.


11. Did anyone notice Cheng's dead-on impersonation?


12. I swear, that final soporific scene with Heller...


...and Crazy Stork...


...was hardly bearable, ending with Jack staring out from the balcony contemplating what lies ahead. I caught a few Z’s during that scene.


Hmm. Wait a minute...Where have I caught that scene before? The one of Jack contemplating his future, about to head out into the unknown? Oh, yeah! 24: Day Four! BOO!


Well, with Doyle forced to wear an eye patch...


...here’s what’s gonna happen next season:

CTU, in an attempt to punish Morris' fumbling and Jack and Doyle's blatant disregard for federal counter-terrorism guidelines, relegates them to desk jobs in Kingston, Jamaica...


...where illegal music downloading runs rampant!


Day 7: Piracy in the Caribbean!




(Hmm. Jack and Morris don't look so good...)

Will Wayne Palmer finally come out...


...of his coma?

Will Charles Logan come out of that ambulance?


Will Martha Logan come out of her drug-addled haze?


Will Evil Pig Farmer come out alive from the F-18 attack and return to antagonize Jack once more?


Does anyone care?


Well, so ends another wacky season with Jack Bauer.


Until next season, spend some time reflecting on the beauty and solitude that make summer so peaceful and relaxing.

Hour 22 (3-4 a.m.): Now That's One Crazy Pig Farmer!

Someone wanna tell me why they waited until the last 3 episodes to remind us that hiding inside every bad season is an awesome TV show struggling to get out?! Somebody, please!

Some observations:

1. First 20 minutes kicked some major butt, especially that scene where Nadia, Morris, and Jack took out the Chinese kidnappers. It was intensely frenetic and just frantic enough to seem pretty real. It wasn’t pretty, which is what I liked about it. Poor Morris: armed a nuclear device under duress, nearly fell off the wagon, ended it with Chloe (although how do you break it off with someone who's already your ex?), and then was forced to fight a Chinese terrorist for his life, armed only with a Microsoft training certificate...


...and a flask of whiskey.


2. Anyone notice the American Express commercial that asked, “Are you left wanting more?” My reply: “No, not really. I’m sort of left wanting So You Think You Can Dance.”


3. When Jack asked Josh if he had heard anything in the background as he talked to his grandfather, I SO wanted Josh to say “Yeah, I think I heard pigs squealing.”


4. Loved Jack’s reply to the question “Why’s your dad involved?”

“I don’t know, but I’ll ask him when I find him…and then I’ll sever his fingers with this...

...gouge out his eyes with this...


...and roast his testicles with this.


5. When Bishop wanted to know why Lisa Miller seemed distant, why didn’t she say, “Of course, I’m distant! I’m picturing myself in Gitmo eating rice and beans, you a$$!


I HATE YOU!” Isn't she about the third jilted woman to go berserk on 24?! That's a little sexist. Why don't any jilted MEN ever go berzerk?

Sigh, another ridiculous repeated plot device. Why don’t we put the writers in Gitmo, FOR JACK’S SAKE!


6. Speaking of Gitmo, now that Bishop AND Miller are headed there, I wonder if they’ll get conjugal visits?

(Poor Bishop. He'll probably get a conjugal visit before SHE will, if you know what I mean.)

7. I’m sure no one missed Cisco's very blatant TelePresence product placement.


It even got a mention in the script. What’s next? “CHLOE! I’m calling you from my sleek Sprint satellite phone...



...and I need a rundown on the schematics from your brand-new Dell laptop!
I’m on my way back in my Cadillac Escalade that seats eight comfortably...



...but before I do that, I need to sever my father’s fingers with my handy quick-motion Sears Craftsman wirecutters...


...gouge out his eyes with a stainless steel Pampered Chef melon scoop (available online and at finer department stores)...


...and roast his testicles on a fat-reducing George Foreman Grill!


OVER AND OUT!


8. Loved the way the Russian president...


...gave an ultimatum that fit conveniently into the 2-hour finale. Imagine how sweaty Noah “Boink Them 2 x 2” Daniels would’ve gotten had Suvarov said, “I’ll give you, uhh, THREE hours to meet my demands.” That would’ve been sweet!


9. Loved the final moments. Daniels: “Tom. Karen. Although I normally don’t negotiate with known sociopaths (unless it’s Lisa Miller)...


(seen here wishing she had remembered to wash that Studio 54 stamp off her hand)

...we’ve got to figure out what do about Phillip Bauer! I've got it…ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS! Tom, I know you have an advantage.”


10. Did we really need Jack screaming “JOSH!” at the top of his lungs while Josh mouthed “Uncle Jackie-poo” as the helicopter lifts off? Gimme a break. Good lord, when they’re not lifting plot devices from their own shows, they’re stealing ideas from old Disney movies.


I kept expecting Streisand to fade into the soundtrack with "Memories"...


...while you-know-who flashed through Josh’s head...


...and you-know-who flashed through Jack’s head.



In next week’s 2-hour finale:

Buchanan makes it back with a top-secret delivery...


...while Chloe faints when she sees this...

Hour 21 (2-3 a.m.): NIGHT OF THE LIVING BAD ACTRESSES!

Can you imagine working at CTU? It's gotta SUCK!

I can hear it now, as one of those expendable background CTU employees finally makes it home after yet another exhausting day...


“How was work today, dear? Here kids, drink this beer. It'll make Daddy laugh and help him feel better about working so much he can't remember your names. Oh, by the way, neither of you is his.”


“Oh, not too bad, honey. Milo Pressman got shot in the forehead by a Chinese terrorist. He died instantly. Nadia Yassir was mildly upset.”


“Dear me! That's too bad. Ham-flavored gelatin?”

Some observations:

1. Bad Actress #2 enters the room, stage left. Rena Sofer as Marilyn really isn’t too convincing.


(seen here with Kiefer's double)

Perhaps she should return to soap acting, where underacting is a virtue.

2. Speaking of Bad Actress #2, that sappy dialogue where she promised Jack her undying support, no matter what happens, was very Last of the Mohicans, Daniel-Day Lewis, "I WEEL FIND EWE!" of her wasn’t it? Yawn.


(Cher and David Copperfield's lovechild)

3. I really don’t give a flying flip about all these ridiculous romantic back stories. Chloe and Morris, Nadia and Milo, Nadia and Doyle, Jack and Doyle...


...They did, after all, have one of those Brokeback “Doyle, you're just gonna have to quit me, so's I can keel the bad guys” moments last week. Doyle was so overcome, he swooned. Didn’t Jack do the same thing with Curtis in a recent season? Yes, Jack's got real issues with his love connections...


...and yes, I’m really perturbed with all this plot rehashing lately.

4. Isn't Tom Lennox cold-hearted? Brrrrrrr.


Sort of creepy the way he watched Lisa Miller "spread democracy" with Bishop, without batting an eyelash.


5. That Lisa Miller’s some traitor, isn't she? You know, somehow “enemy combatant”...


...and “bumpin’ uglies for the good ol’ U.S. of A”...


...don’t belong in the same sentence. And having to do it in front of a camera. Egad!

6. Gimme a break! Blowing up CTU and taking hostages?


Once again, another rehashed plot device!

Didn’t CTU and Sara Gilbert get blown up on Day 2?


And didn’t Derek, the daughter Jack never had, get taken hostage on Day 5?


Yes and yes. Apparently, CTU is the third most incompetent, bumbling federal entity EVER! After this one...


...and this one.


7. Well, I must admit Milo’s murder was quite a shocker.


Seen here overly baked by his tanning bed and wearing his "New Kids on the Block" Halloween costume.

If you looked really closely, you could see Nadia in the background making dinner reservations for her and Doyle.


8. So, Josh Bauer is the bargaining tool for some mysterious reason. I’m placing bets now that the season will end with Jack discovering that Josh is his son...


...engaging in a violent showdown with his own father...


...realizing that plying Marilyn with alcohol at that Christmas party in 1991 obviously was a bad idea...


...admitting that Graem used to have pretty good hair...


...and gracefully accepting the fact that, you know, having an evil ba$tard for a dad and a pig for a brother sets him apart from other federal agents.


Next week:

We finally get to meet Jack’s mom.

Hour 20 (1-2 a.m.): Damn, Have I Been Yawning for Half a Year Almost?

Ho hum.

24 has been so disjointed and disappointing this season, I found myself wanting to dig out my old high school chemistry book out of the attic and read the index for entertainment. O, the inanity!


A few observations.

1. Was it me, or did Audrey’s “Help me, Jack” mantra remind anyone of R2D2’s Princess Leia hologram: “Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi; you're my only hope.”


Wish I had been watching THAT for the last five months. Geez.

2. Of course, Jack has to hog all the action (in spite of being conspicuously absent from the screen for much of this season). “I’m the only one who can help her! DAMMIT, PEOPLE! I’M THE ONLY WHO CAN SPEAK STORK! LET ME TRY!”


Here Jack tries to get Audrey to remember the last thing the evil Chinese guy did to her. She finally reveals the horror of what she was forced to do every morning for six months.


3. Good lord. Can't believe they used the “I’ve got a lover, but I had no clue he was actually a spy stealing classified information” trick again. Didn't they use that a few seasons back? Another spy, another night I could’ve watched reruns of Mama’s Family.


4. In spite of the superfluous subplot involving Chloe and Morris, I did feel a little sad for Chloe when Morris said “Enough is enough.” Her tears came not from the pain of lost love...


...but from having turned down a chance to star in Delta Farce.


5. Dr. Bradley is NOT someone I want to consult for anything remotely medical or psychological. I get the idea his first plan of action is always to pull out the CTU "Information Extractor."


Not good.

6. Isn't it sad that I found myself pulling for Doyle somewhat because THERE WAS NOTHING BETTER TO DO?! And good grief, Marisol Nichols, the actress playing Nadia, is not only having a meltdown in character, but as an actress as well!


She’s just not very good. By the way, I just read that shes' a Scientologist.


No wonder she can't act: all the creativity's being sucked out of her wallet. I suspect Nadia will die in a vicious shootout when CTU discovers its own cleaning staff has been swabbing all the computer keyboards with...RAW CHICKEN!


7. The whole sequence with Jack spiriting Audrey away into the bowels of CTU...


...just in time to make a psychological breakthrough while Nadia finally comes into her own as a leader of CTU was just a bunch of silly hogwash.


Speaking of bowels, did everyone in Fox's writers’ room come down with the flu or something?! The writing has suffered for quite some time now.


8. Really the only highlight of the episode was Veep “Noah’s Arch” Daniels giving Lisa Miller her just desserts.


Now THAT was pretty yummy. Lisa Miller will look good in orange, won’t she?


9. Nice to see James “The Trout” Heller back at CTU.


What he said to Jack was some mighty strong words, but oh, so true! “Jack, everything you touch ends up dead...


...Your other brother may be alive right now...


...but for how long?!”


Next week:

President Palmer wakes up from his second coma in less than 24 hours just in time to reprimand his assistant for losing his makeup bag.


Maniacally cunning Phillip Bauer...


...returns to town to take some pigs to market...


...and have a final showdown with his son...


(seen here making sure Milo doesn't snag the last Diet Coke out of the CTU fridge)

...while the CTU company nurse shows up at precisely the wrong time to give employees their annual physical.

Hour 19 (12-1 a.m.): Was It Me, Or Did I Just Go Into Macy's and Buy a Digital Toaster from Bill Buchanan?

Is that a look of disbelief on your face, or are you just watching another episode of 24?

Actually, not a horrendous episode in a season chock full of weird, spotty, ludicrous episodes. And still, I’d have to argue that compared to a lot of the crap on TV, 24 isn’t the worst thing out there. This is:


A few observations.

1. Love the way Doyle “acquired” another vehicle.


I tried that this week and spent the night in the slammer.


2. Love the way Buchanan referred to Jack’s antics as “going rogue.”


I tried to "go rogue" this week and spent the night in the slammer.


3. Love the way Chloe could have sung “torn between two agents, feelin’ like a fool!” but didn't.


I tried to sing that song at the top of my lungs in my cubicle this week...


...and spent an hour in my boss’s office.

He told me in no uncertain terms it made him sad and angry at the same time.

4. Hate the way Noah Daniels is PURE EVIL!

Note: I don't think Satan's a lesbian, nor are lesbians satanic, but isn't this cover the best?!

And Tom Lennox, whom I formerly was warming up to, now seems iffy enough that I’ve labeled him Satan’s impish brown-noser.


Tried calling someone at work that, and spent the night knocked unconscious behind my car in the company parking lot.


5. Hate the way Noah Daniels, nearing 80, is boinking Lisa Miller, clearly just out of junior college. It’s worse than a May-December romance. It’s more like a January Five Years Ago-January 2018 romance.


Talk about “executive privilege.” Cringe-a-palooza! And no, I’m not gonna make an “I tried that” joke here because I don’t want to spend the night knocked unconscious on the floor of my living room.


6. Loved the way Cheng agreed to meet Jack in an abandoned motel. How many abandoned buildings are in L.A.?!


Someone needs to revitalize the neighborhood. I tried staying at an abandoned motel once, and ended up with someone lurking outside my shower.


Not good!

7. Hate the way Bill Buchanan got the pink slip…FROM HIS OWN WIFE! That’s gotta hurt. Hope he can find work, poor guy.


Tried working as a Wal-Mart greeter once and ended up unconscious behind my car in the employee parking lot.


Not sure why, unless that chicken salad in the breakroom had something to do with it.


No one had claimed it; I merely applied the five-minute rule for food on the floor and went for it. Or is that the five-SECOND rule? Anyway, I woke up 17 hours later.

8. Love the way Chloe spoke Chloese and hurt Morris’ feelings so bad, he asked to get transferred.


I tried getting transferred last week and spent an hour in my boss’s office.


He told me in no uncertain terms it made him sad and angry at the same time.

9. Love the way Silver Spoons EFFED UP EVERYTHING! What a moron.


If he had been wearing the suit, those drivers wouldn't have been so scared.

Things might've turned out better if his sidekick Alfonso Ribeiro had been there to create some sort of dancing diversion.


I tried dancing like Michael Jackson once.


Pulled a groin muscle...


...and my prom date left with her Chemistry lab partner.

10. Love the way Audrey Raines...


...has apparently been brainwashed by the Chinese government to incessantly play the Helen Keller role from Miracle Worker.


Gimme a break! Obviously she's let the role go to her head. During my community theater days in Lubbock, Texas, I tried to snag a minor part in Miracle Worker; they let me go because I kept trying to "enrich" the role by inserting tunes from Yentl.

Turns out Helen Keller's not Jewish. They said she couldn't "eat with a fork," not "eat any pork."

11. Speaking of pork, love the way the pig...


...and the Redfro keep ending up in my blog.


The season’s been so weird, what else is there to talk about?!

Next week:

This guy comes back for a rather tense father-and-son talk with Jack.

Hour 18 (11 p.m.-12 a.m.): Deng it, Jo-jo!

Gawl-durn it!

I had a bunch of cump'nee over...



...for a skunk hunt...



...so didn't git to put the blog on what people in my neck o' the woods...


...call the Information Superhighway!



Summer 'fraid Jack's jumped the shark.



That may have some truthity to it, but Jack on his worst day...



...is better than a good day on any show that features this...



...or this.



Until next week, keep your hearts and mind focused on this...


...this...



...and ESPECIALLY THIS!

Hour 17 (10-11 p.m.): I May Have Accidentally Tuned Into a Pay-per-view WWF Match Called “Chainz of Rage: Immortal Vs. The Hairless Turk”

Other than this one...

...THAT WAS THE BEST TV FIGHT EVER!

A few observations:

1. So, Gredenko’s dead.


That’s what he gets for becoming a Russian insurgent, collaborating with a terrorist, trying to blow up the United States, walking into a bar full of southern California bikers, and hiding under a pier after chopping off his own arm.


IT’S HIS OWN DANG FAULT!

2. Wow, what a bluff from Wayne Palmer.


We all thought it was very nonchalant and insane of him to start WWIII...

...like he was on crack...


...or huffing paint thinner...


...or shooting adrenaline...


...oh wait, he WAS shooting adrenaline. Never mind. He should be proud of himself for standing strong...


...and growing some major cojones...


...like the ones Martha Logan used to have.


Sad thing is he’s weakening and has developed a bad case of the shakes.

Maybe him’s just a little chilly and needs a hand-knit afghan...


(or "affikan," as my Aunt Della used to call them)
...or one of those full-length, sit-on-the-sofa sleeping-bag things.


3. Loved it when Jack used the term “pharmaceutical package” to refer to barbaric torturing implements.

Would’ve been funny if he had said, "“Here, take one of these."


4. Doyle’s a little trigger-happy, isn’t he?


Too bad a real bullet didn’t accidentally discharge during the whole fake Fayed rescue scene and hit Silver Spoons right in the kiester!


5. Speaking of the fake terrorist takeover, I actually thought Jack was merely another hapless victim of another L.A. drive-by...


...that just happened to be a highly complex staged operation involving a multinational roving band of heavily armed enraged California motorists.


6. Meanwhile, An Agent’s Deepest Desire returns...


...with Nadia and Milo on the verge of either major fisticuffs or uncontrollable passion. Either way, it’s a ridiculous juvenile subplot. You know, Milo may end up being the real a$$; the way he grabbed Nadia's arm was very telling.


I will place bets now that Nadia and Doyle will end up being a couple next season...

...and one of them will lose a limb.


7. I CANNOT BELIEVE they resorted to the ol’ “Ditch the Black Escalade in the Tunnel and Escape Through the Conveniently Unlocked Utility Door” trick!


Didn’t they just use that on Day 4 or 5?! I think Prison Break used it recently too. There must be a Plot Device Depository in Burbank somewhere.

Before we know it, we’ll see it used on Seventh Heaven...


...or Good Morning America!

8. Have you ever noticed that whenever Jack ducks into any kind of cement structure, be it the Department of Transportation Van Nuys Sub-station, the San Andreas Electrical Switching Facility, or Abandoned Warehouse #44...


...he stealthily scurries around without making a noise? No one's really paid attention to his feet, but obviously he’s been wearing these:


9. Thank God Fayed didn’t hit any speed bumps: That’s all we need..."Jack Bauer: Roadkill."


10. BEST TV FIGHT EVER! Wow. That final smackdown between Jack and Fayed really kicked butt!

...complete with the very Schwarzenegger-esque “Say hello to your brother.”


That fight included a hail of gunfire, gnashing of teeth, biting, screaming, beating with lead pipes and two-by-fours, lots of kidney punches and eye gouges, and finally a delightful hanging by chain.


I don’t know about you guys, but the whole thing reminded me of the last Powers Thanksgiving.

I got a little misty...


11. THE STORK LIVES!


PRAISE JESUS...

...THE STORK LIVES!


What an abrupt plot change! Sadly, Jack can’t get his money back on the Dead Stork Memorial Statue, because he had it engraved with "In loving memory of my beloved Terri, I mean, Nina, I mean, that Mexican drug lord's girlfriend whose name I can't recall, I mean, Diane (mother of Derek, the daughter I never had), I mean, Kate, I MEAN AUDREY! GEEZ!"



Next week:

Struggling to stay under CTU’s radar, Jack fights to rescue Audrey from Cheng Zhi, the Evil Chinese Chef...


...who threatens that if Jack doesn’t do everything he demands, he'll make Audrey Raines into STORK STEW!


Jack must bite the bullet and depend on assistance from Philip, his hell-bound father.


In a rare moment of civility, the bickering father and son reminisce about Red Afro before things went south...

...and that flippin’ pig!