Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Hour 11 (4-5 p.m.): Despite His Manly, Saddam-like Beard, Charles Logan Is Still Not a Man.

Well, well, well. The Ruskies are going to muddy the water...

...and stand by while the U.S. and the Arabs tear each other apart like cats and dogs.

A few observations:

1. Though ex-Prez Logan sports a manly beard, making him look like Saddam...

(here he is with his new humidor)

...he still needs a magnifying glass to find his miniscule testicles.

And what’s with his decision to “reconnect to his faith"? What the…?!

GIMME A BREAK! What a bunch of HOOEY!

You gotta know something's up if Satan puts his own butt in church.

NOT TO BE TRUSTED! Jack should punch him just to feel better.

I noticed Logan's picture of his wife, Martha. Wonder what she's up to?

Hmm. Aaron Pierce and Martha Logan don't look bad. Must be the Jazzercize.

2. Is it me or is Rena Softer (Marilyn) a REALLY BAD ACTRESS?!

Geez. Graem don't look so good.

How much you wanna bet Josh is Jack’s child? After all, Jack and Marilyn have a romantic past, alcohol-driven though it was.

I mean, where else did Josh get that blond, straight hair?

Isn’t it obvious that only one Bauer boy could be Josh’s dad? And it’s not this one.

Or this one, even though he does, in fact, have blond hair.

3. I now have to reassess my opinion of Tom Lennox. Yes, he may be a little cockroach...

...but still not nasty enough to kill a sitting president.

Mr. Hilary Swank, on the other hand...

...is a lowdown rat worthy of nothing but the worst type of death.

And that goes for his sidekick, Bruce Carson Daly.

Anyone named Bruce cannot be good.

4. Not liking Apologetic Morris. It’s getting very old. The producers are trying to distract us with a silly backstory that’s just not interesting. Chloe just needs to go slap him around and straighten him out, especially while he’s IN THE BATHROOM!

How embarrassing that was!

5. Now that EVIL REED THE RAT...

...has detonated the bomb, I expect Assad is dead and Wayne Palmer is unconscious or worse, gone WAY undercover again.

People will assume it’s all part of some Middle Eastern scheme. Noah Daniels will come to power...

...and everyone who ever went against Wayne Palmer will now be elevated to a cabinet position.

Anyone identified as a lefty or anyone who even slightly looks Middle Eastern, including Indians...

...Native Americans...

...Costa Ricans...


...or tanned Hollywood B-actors...

...will all be put in rural Arkansas interment camps in the middle of the summer.

They'll probably call it "Camp Freedom," or "Unity, USA" or something like that. The country is doomed.

6. Best line of the episode: "We're not cold-blooded murderers. We're trying to save the country." Where've we heard THAT before?

Next week:

Chicken fingers...

...Jack Bauer style.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Hour 10 (3-4 p.m.): Nothing Says Fatherly Love Like "Show Me You're Not Wearing an Ankle Holster"

And now the Oscar...

...for best return of Satan...


Is it me, or does ex-Prez Logan with his beard look a lot like you-know-who?

And now the honorary Oscar for best a$$-kicker!

Sorry to disappoint you, fellow Jackophiles...

...but I spent my Sunday evening watching the Oscars instead of updating The Curse of Count Jackula. Full commentary will return next week. Until then, think on this.

Sad. Another movie star packs on the lard after his 15 minutes in the limelight.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Hours 8-9 (1-3 p.m.): 4 out of 5 Terrorists Choose Sears Craftsman When Drilling the Heads of Uncooperative British Captives

Oh. My. Nervous. System!

What a ROCKIN' two hours!

Some observations.

1. Chloe sure was in a bad mood. She’s always so blunt: “Get away from me! People don’t let me do my job.” How many times have I myself said that very thing, only to have my boss continue talking and planning another impromptu meeting? If not for people, I’d love my job.

Here, Chloe is so stressed, she has rubbed off all her hair. Bad.

2. Have you ever noticed every bad guy since the beginning of time seems to have taken a defensive driving course? Or is it that the villains are really bad drivers, and it’s the Angelinos who are so used to helicopter-monitored police chases that they’ve become experts at vehicularly saving their own lives?

Good lord. For once I’d like to see someone step on the gas and immediately rear-end some little old lady from Pasadena.

3. I think Rita needed to calm down.

If she had, she'd still be here instead of lying there staring at Morris during his "procedure" with a bullet in her head. Poor girl.

5. Is it me, or do Morris and Fayed look like twins separated at birth?

Yes, one’s Middle Eastern and the other’s British, but stranger things have happened.

6. And now the winner of "Best Use of a Power Drill...! FAYED!"

Even "24" has to depend on product placement to make ends meet.

I kept expecting to hear Fayed say, “You’ll see here, brethren, that once the screaming subsides, I can reverse the drill bit out of our friend’s shoulder quite cleanly and effortlessly.”

7. The disarming of the bomb rocked BIG TIME! Wow. Chloe’s apparently been moonlighting on the bomb squad. She nearly made Jack poop himself!

Of course, Fayed was able to escape at the very last minute, taking his cue from the Acme Villain Manual, complete with Torture DVD: "In case of torture session cut short, take advantage of ensuing melee to lower villianself down pre-selected, hollowed-out air-conditioning shaft, making villain's way to awaiting helicopter."

8. Are we not surprised there’s a mole on Capitol Hill?

And his name is Carson?

We should've known the late-night, poorly rated talk show was a scam. A stinky RUSE!

9. Chad Lowe is truly evil.


If only he hadn’t left Hilary. Alas, now’s he knee-deep in some kind of assassination plot. Echoes of JFK/RFK, don’t you think?

10. Gotta love Chloe: Nothing says friendship like “I’m glad you didn’t get killed today” and “You're pi$$ing me off so I will now slap you."

Here Chloe is so upset, she takes a guitar break.

11. Jack’s statements to his father tickled me pink: “Dad, I did NOT mean to kill my oddly named brother Graem. I did, however, mean to inflict excruciating pain on him by injecting hyocine-pentothal into his veins...

...bringing him NEAR death, but not taking him PAST death, which I apparently, yet accidentally, did. I’ll see if I can get you a temp to cover the office until we can replace him. And yes, dad, I promise to make the temp dress like Ronald McDonald...

...to help you through the grief of never seeing Graem’s red afro again...

...I guess this also means I’ll be hosting Christmas from this point on…"

12. Absolutely despised the way Tom Lennox...

...and his sidekick Reed Pollack...

...hid in the boiler room scurrying around like vermin. It’s time to call the best X-TERMINATOR IN TOWN...

I can’t wait to see Jack punch Chad Lowe in the sternum, a la Cummings from last season. What a joy it will be to hear his bones crunch! And then, for fun, he can tie Lennox to a pole and whip him with a pillow case full of unopened Coke cans...

...(nothing against Coke, but I think it could work).

13. Does anyone feel the need to warn Babe?

I mean, if we don’t tell him how evil the pig farmer is...

...it’s OVER for Babe!

14. Due to budget cutbacks, CTU had to send out Milo and Jack out in a RENTED UPS TRUCK!

In spite of the truck's limitations, Milo found it comfortable and smooth-driving.

14. So, it’s the RUSSIANS this time around (plus a Scottish guy in a kilt) who've got an axe to grind.

"Let’s let the Arabs take the fall." PURE EVIL!

What would Dmitri's momma and grandma and sister say if they knew what he was up to?!

Svetlana, Anya, and Hulga—babushkas with ATTITUDE!

Next week: Turns out Dmitri Gredenko and his Russians are not out for revenge for the Cold War—but this...