Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Hours 3-4 (8-10 a.m.): Oh, no, you did NOT just do that!

What in the HELL just happened?!

The ba$tard producers of "24" (one of whom is Kiefer Sutherland himself, I believe) killed off Curtis Manning, one of my most favorite cast members OF ALL TIME! God bless Curtis Manning! And kudos to the actor who played him, Roger R. Cross.

How could they do that? Okay, I realize that killing off favorite characters is a way to get us to keep tuning in to see the bad guys get massacred in the end, but, for the love of Pete...

...why have him die at Jackula's hand? If the character had to die, it would've been MUCH more satisfactory to have Curtis die in the line of duty (though, technically this is, indeed, how he died). The viewers' ire would've been stoked, and our blood would be boiling all the same to see the bad guys get what they deserved. And what's with the cockamamie bad-blood back story? If the actor wants off the show, give the character a dire injury (like a bruised kidney or a savage paper cut or a severely misplaced pencil) and have him recuperate in the fully-staffed basement medical clinic/coffee bar off-camera. Geez. I'm pi$$ed.

Speaking of pi$$ing, Milo and Morris continue to have a pi$$ing contest at work, trying to alpha-dog it over Chloe. Apparently, Chloe and Milo have, shall we say, a "cinematic" past? Hmm. Mousy little Chloe has more of a social life than any of us realized:

YOWZA! Leopard skin!

Speaking of Milo and Morris, ONCE AGAIN we're reminded of CTU's oh-so-competent hiring practices. Last season, Brandy Buckwillie, the hobbit...

...this year, Morris, the British a$$...

Morris should've been fired a long time ago, just for being an A$$. Chloe deserves to be fired for bungling the Fayed interception thingy in the first hour, not to mention the fact that, after coming out of her shell and mowing down that guy a few seasons back, she started boinking all the male employees. Milo should be fired for boinking Chloe and filming it. And of course, fire Buchanan and Karen Hayes...JUST FOR BUMPIN' UGLIES!

Egad. Shall we place bets that, for another season, a MOLE is discovered spiking CTU's water fountains with incompetency juice?


Meanwhile, back at Guatanamo, oops, I mean Palmdale, Numair, the Evil Terrorist/Computer Whiz/Nuclear Bomb-builder escapes. Easily. Way too easily. We learn that Fayed's plan all along was to get Numair released. Numair, by the way, sounds like an air-conditioning unit: "Honey, we need the A/C replaced. Did you call Sears?" "Nope. Numair's having a sale on their 10,000 BTU model. I'm calling them now!"

Ray, the Husband (and father of Scott, former adopted son of Jack from "Will & Grace") reveals that he'll go to any lengths to protect his family, including (HORRORS!) walking into an auto parts store...

...where he kills the owner for not carrying spark plugs for a '91 Hyundai Accent. For not controlling his anger, Ray the Husband gets pulverized by a nuclear bomb. That's what he gets for driving a Hyundai. Good times.

At least Just Jack's adopted son from "Will & Grace" doesn't buy the farm, although Ahmed does. Speaking of Ahmed, I thought for a few seconds that he was an older Bahrooz, who, the last we heard, had been spirited off by terrorists during Day 4.

My guess is he got brainwashed by the terrorists and is now an assassin known internationally as The Shovel.

You can't see the shovel, but it's there, about to whack an innocent bystander, thus all people with any skin darker than alabaster white should be kept in interment camps until we all forget they're there.

Anyhoo, back to the episode at hand, Jackula, O HAPPY DAY, then has to kill Curtis Manning because of that out-of-the-blue, wacky bad-blood back story. Where in the heck did that come from?! Has Curtis ever NOT been top-notch? NO! Has he ever been a rogue agent? NO! Has he always supported Jack through thick, thin and that guy from The Mummy? YES! Hasn't he always been a proper a$$-kickin' superhero? YES!

Curtis will be sorely missed. I'd like to think he, Tony, and Michelle are all up in heaven just relaxing at a nice little heavenly cocktail party.

And then the suit nuke goes off, to everyone's dismay. That's gotta suck.

Exact same thing happened when I tried to use WD-40 to light my charcoal briquettes. Ruined the weenies-on-sticks I was trying to fix.

Next week: though we THOUGHT the mysterious Arabic phrase meant "five visitors" referring to five suit nukes, Chloe does a quick online translation of the Arabic phrase and realizes that part of it was missing. It actually means..."five visitors FROM PUERTO RICO"!


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