Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Hour 5 (10-11 a.m.): Like All Families, the Bauers Are Effed Up Real Bad

Okay, apparently the theme of this season is “WHAT THE…?!”

We were so stunned, I had to lie down. For a week. In Puerto Vallarta.

Last week, Count Jackula was forced to shoot his good friend Curtis. We all know Curtis would have been a professional to the very end and would have NEVER gone off the deep end like that.

But he did. That was a stretch for me. I don’t buy it, and never will. So there.

May Curtis Manning rest in peace.

Nice of the feds to put him under some palm trees, at least.

Now, this week, not only is the guy who was the a$$hole doctor from ER and who sported a red afro in the movie Fame, JACK'S BROTHER, then ...

...come to find out on the previews for next eppy that Jack’s dad is none other than James Cromwell, that farmer from Babe!

Sure, I can buy the fact that terrorists got their hands on five suit nukes and accidentally blew one up in Valencia, California (now named by AAA as "Suit Nuke Assembly Capital of the World").

(Don’t you know it’s gotta SUCK to be a Valencian ANYTHING! On top of everything else, WE HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT RADIOACTIVE ORANGES!)

And yes, I can believe that Kimberly Bauer ended up being chased by cougars, getting nearly kidnapped by Matt Dillon’s brother, and dating guys who tend to lose their limbs.

I CANNOT, however, buy the fact that Jack’s OTHER brother is a TALKING PIG!

I'm sure things get tense around Easter, what with all that ham-eating, which I've never really understood, considering Jesus was Jewish. HALLELUJAH! JESUS IS RISEN! PASS THE HAM?!

We'll save that discussion for another blog, I guess.

What about Buchanan’s refusal to shake Assad’s hand? SNAP! I mean, what should Assad expect? For Buchanan, that basically amounts to something like Osama bin Laden showing up at Quantico and asking to share tabouli recipes with the Bush twins.

That hug-fest wouldn't happen in the real world, but who ever said 24 was about the real world?

At our house, when it was revealed that Jack’s brother is the Evil Graham Cracker AND his dad is Babe’s farmer, we just sat there stunned. Needless to say there was more stuttering and sputtering at the Tyberspace house than a Sylvester the Cat cartoon.

And who is that Sam guy? Jack’s “Uncle Sam”? Mr. Bauer's “longtime companion,” perhaps?

Here Mr. Bauer and "Uncle Sam" eat out "platonically" together. Yeah, right.

And then there’s Marilyn, whom some of you may recognize as the other girlfriend from Ed.

Some sort of bad vibe going on there, for sure. Sing with me: “Marilyn and Jack, sittin’ in a tree, B-U-M-ping uhhh-guh-leeze!” Nothing ruins Christmas like your brother bustin' moves on the wife.
Here Jack plies Marilyn with a hard beverage. Empathize with her as she struggles to fend him off.

Let’s clear up Bubba's name real quick. Of course, we all recognized Jack's brother as the mysterious leader of the Bluetooth power broker conspirators from Day 5 who were controlling President Logan, hence the sputtering and screams at our house. All last season, I thought his name was “Graham,” as in Graham Cracker.

According to the official 24 website, his actual name is Graem, which is one of those ridiculous names rich people give their kids, like Geoff, Madeleine, Canadienne, Paris, Budapest, Reginald, Paraphernalia, Lickety, or Chiffarobe. However, Jack refers to him as “Gray,” as in “Your hair was a red afro when you were in Fame, but you went gray, so now you are bald. By the way, yes, I boinked Marilyn in the coat closet during Dad's retirement party. I mean, c'mon! Look at me and then look at you...”

"...can ya blame her?"

Was it me, or do the brothers have a slight disdain for each other? Maybe I missed something, but things were slightly tense between the two boys, perhaps the slightest suggestion of a Cain and Abel thing.

True, I could have read too much into the bone-crushing slug to Gray's face or the sudden attempt to suffocate him. I've found that nothing says “brotherly love” like a plastic bag over the head!

That plastic-bag scene reminded me of my last Thanksgiving, but that’s for another blog, too.

Next week: Chad Lowe (who will spend the first 30 minutes telling HIS side of the story)…

…and some nice, down-home brotherly BOOBY ELECTROCUTIN'!

...and hopefully in the same scene together! WOO HOO!

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