What an awesome first half of a season opener!
I CANNOT BELIEVE IT! JACK BAUER PULLED A BRAM STOKER AND BIT SOME GUY'S NECK OFF! What a shocker!
Not only did Jack survive on his private yacht to China...
...by pretending to know how to make a mean Kung Pao chicken...
...BUT THE CHINESE GOVERNMENT TURNED HIM INTO A VAMPIRE!
Here Jack escapes from the bad guy (shown in the traditional Middle Eastern Scott Stapp long flowing haircut, Marilyn Manson goth pancake foundation, and the equally traditional Middle Eastern flimsy pirate bodice) by first copping a feel, and then ripping a large, bubblegum-sized chunk of his larynx out of his neck. THAT KICKED BUTT!
I cannot get over it! Not only did he come home from China looking like Grizzly Adams...
...HE CAME BACK AS A VAMPIRE!
(Poor Audrey. Look at her all unconscious and such. Hasn't she been through it?! It's bad enough she's on "The Nine" with no one to watch [or care], and now she's dating Count Jackula!)
Some observations:
1. Is it me, or does the "Viewer Discretion" announcer love his job a little too much? Next episode, just listen to the relish with which he warns the kids about the blood and gore.
2. "Love is in the air, in the whisper of the trees!" Buchanan and Karen Hayes are hitched? Well, well, well. I guess Karen accepted that breakfast at Denny's after all. Who knew?
3. What the...?! Wayne Palmer, President of the United States? I guess they found him and he no longer has to hide from President Logan's long arm of the law.
Yes, he may be a Palmer, but he's no David Palmer, as he proved by not listening to Jack in the first place. Big dork. In fact, a la former First Lady Martha Logan, Palmer's sister showed bigger cajones than he did.
4. Okay. You, the FEDERAL GOVERNMENT, negotiate with a Communist country to bring Jackula back to the United States, so that you can sacrifice his life for the sake of the country. Yes, he looks like Grizzly Adams and reeks of 2-year-old body odor. He wants to make himself presentable on his last day alive. You think you can give the man slightly more respect than...
...A SPONGE?!
...AND SOME MITCHUM?!!! Good lord, our government at work. Geez.
5. I suppose it was good to see Peter MacNicol (John Cage from Ally McBeal) working again. Tom Lennox NOT a very likable character, is he, though he looks all friendly and sweatery-vesty here. Ba$tard.
I wonder how his sister is doing?
Kidding. Peter MacNicol is NOT Kristy McNichol's brother. Never has been, but THIS guy IS her brother, hence the startling resemblance, as shown here in this ridiculous family photo.
6. And what about that dueling torturers scene between Jack and Assad? "Hmm. Let's see, what do you want to use? The thumb separator or the bamboo shoots?" "You go first." "Oh, no, after you!" "Why, thank you! I'll be honest: I'm jonesin' for the dental drill." "Good choice. I'll use the oyster shucker."
Quite painful to see that Jack's lost some of his edge. Look at 'im. Poor thing. He's plumb frazzled. I mean, who can blame him? Two years of Chinese water torture has GOT to take its toll. It even rusted his hair!
7. It's good to see Chloe back, in all her craziness. Here she reacts to a sound in the bathroom:
A tad jumpy, that girl.
8. I absolutely hate it when I have to kick those gawl-durn terrorists out the back door of the subway. It makes the other passengers sweat nervously. See?!
God bless Jack Bauer. This season, it appears we're going to see a much more vulnerable Jack who's still willing to bite out a guy's jugular when necessary.
TV IS GOOD (and violent) AGAIN! WOO HOO!
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