Hour 19 (12-1 a.m.): Was It Me, Or Did I Just Go Into Macy's and Buy a Digital Toaster from Bill Buchanan?

Is that a look of disbelief on your face, or are you just watching another episode of 24?

Actually, not a horrendous episode in a season chock full of weird, spotty, ludicrous episodes. And still, I’d have to argue that compared to a lot of the crap on TV, 24 isn’t the worst thing out there. This is:


A few observations.

1. Love the way Doyle “acquired” another vehicle.


I tried that this week and spent the night in the slammer.


2. Love the way Buchanan referred to Jack’s antics as “going rogue.”


I tried to "go rogue" this week and spent the night in the slammer.


3. Love the way Chloe could have sung “torn between two agents, feelin’ like a fool!” but didn't.


I tried to sing that song at the top of my lungs in my cubicle this week...


...and spent an hour in my boss’s office.

He told me in no uncertain terms it made him sad and angry at the same time.

4. Hate the way Noah Daniels is PURE EVIL!

Note: I don't think Satan's a lesbian, nor are lesbians satanic, but isn't this cover the best?!

And Tom Lennox, whom I formerly was warming up to, now seems iffy enough that I’ve labeled him Satan’s impish brown-noser.


Tried calling someone at work that, and spent the night knocked unconscious behind my car in the company parking lot.


5. Hate the way Noah Daniels, nearing 80, is boinking Lisa Miller, clearly just out of junior college. It’s worse than a May-December romance. It’s more like a January Five Years Ago-January 2018 romance.


Talk about “executive privilege.” Cringe-a-palooza! And no, I’m not gonna make an “I tried that” joke here because I don’t want to spend the night knocked unconscious on the floor of my living room.


6. Loved the way Cheng agreed to meet Jack in an abandoned motel. How many abandoned buildings are in L.A.?!


Someone needs to revitalize the neighborhood. I tried staying at an abandoned motel once, and ended up with someone lurking outside my shower.


Not good!

7. Hate the way Bill Buchanan got the pink slip…FROM HIS OWN WIFE! That’s gotta hurt. Hope he can find work, poor guy.


Tried working as a Wal-Mart greeter once and ended up unconscious behind my car in the employee parking lot.


Not sure why, unless that chicken salad in the breakroom had something to do with it.


No one had claimed it; I merely applied the five-minute rule for food on the floor and went for it. Or is that the five-SECOND rule? Anyway, I woke up 17 hours later.

8. Love the way Chloe spoke Chloese and hurt Morris’ feelings so bad, he asked to get transferred.


I tried getting transferred last week and spent an hour in my boss’s office.


He told me in no uncertain terms it made him sad and angry at the same time.

9. Love the way Silver Spoons EFFED UP EVERYTHING! What a moron.


If he had been wearing the suit, those drivers wouldn't have been so scared.

Things might've turned out better if his sidekick Alfonso Ribeiro had been there to create some sort of dancing diversion.


I tried dancing like Michael Jackson once.


Pulled a groin muscle...


...and my prom date left with her Chemistry lab partner.

10. Love the way Audrey Raines...


...has apparently been brainwashed by the Chinese government to incessantly play the Helen Keller role from Miracle Worker.


Gimme a break! Obviously she's let the role go to her head. During my community theater days in Lubbock, Texas, I tried to snag a minor part in Miracle Worker; they let me go because I kept trying to "enrich" the role by inserting tunes from Yentl.

Turns out Helen Keller's not Jewish. They said she couldn't "eat with a fork," not "eat any pork."

11. Speaking of pork, love the way the pig...


...and the Redfro keep ending up in my blog.


The season’s been so weird, what else is there to talk about?!

Next week:

This guy comes back for a rather tense father-and-son talk with Jack.

Hour 18 (11 p.m.-12 a.m.): Deng it, Jo-jo!

Gawl-durn it!

I had a bunch of cump'nee over...



...for a skunk hunt...



...so didn't git to put the blog on what people in my neck o' the woods...


...call the Information Superhighway!



Summer 'fraid Jack's jumped the shark.



That may have some truthity to it, but Jack on his worst day...



...is better than a good day on any show that features this...



...or this.



Until next week, keep your hearts and mind focused on this...


...this...



...and ESPECIALLY THIS!

Hour 17 (10-11 p.m.): I May Have Accidentally Tuned Into a Pay-per-view WWF Match Called “Chainz of Rage: Immortal Vs. The Hairless Turk”

Other than this one...

...THAT WAS THE BEST TV FIGHT EVER!

A few observations:

1. So, Gredenko’s dead.


That’s what he gets for becoming a Russian insurgent, collaborating with a terrorist, trying to blow up the United States, walking into a bar full of southern California bikers, and hiding under a pier after chopping off his own arm.


IT’S HIS OWN DANG FAULT!

2. Wow, what a bluff from Wayne Palmer.


We all thought it was very nonchalant and insane of him to start WWIII...

...like he was on crack...


...or huffing paint thinner...


...or shooting adrenaline...


...oh wait, he WAS shooting adrenaline. Never mind. He should be proud of himself for standing strong...


...and growing some major cojones...


...like the ones Martha Logan used to have.


Sad thing is he’s weakening and has developed a bad case of the shakes.

Maybe him’s just a little chilly and needs a hand-knit afghan...


(or "affikan," as my Aunt Della used to call them)
...or one of those full-length, sit-on-the-sofa sleeping-bag things.


3. Loved it when Jack used the term “pharmaceutical package” to refer to barbaric torturing implements.

Would’ve been funny if he had said, "“Here, take one of these."


4. Doyle’s a little trigger-happy, isn’t he?


Too bad a real bullet didn’t accidentally discharge during the whole fake Fayed rescue scene and hit Silver Spoons right in the kiester!


5. Speaking of the fake terrorist takeover, I actually thought Jack was merely another hapless victim of another L.A. drive-by...


...that just happened to be a highly complex staged operation involving a multinational roving band of heavily armed enraged California motorists.


6. Meanwhile, An Agent’s Deepest Desire returns...


...with Nadia and Milo on the verge of either major fisticuffs or uncontrollable passion. Either way, it’s a ridiculous juvenile subplot. You know, Milo may end up being the real a$$; the way he grabbed Nadia's arm was very telling.


I will place bets now that Nadia and Doyle will end up being a couple next season...

...and one of them will lose a limb.


7. I CANNOT BELIEVE they resorted to the ol’ “Ditch the Black Escalade in the Tunnel and Escape Through the Conveniently Unlocked Utility Door” trick!


Didn’t they just use that on Day 4 or 5?! I think Prison Break used it recently too. There must be a Plot Device Depository in Burbank somewhere.

Before we know it, we’ll see it used on Seventh Heaven...


...or Good Morning America!

8. Have you ever noticed that whenever Jack ducks into any kind of cement structure, be it the Department of Transportation Van Nuys Sub-station, the San Andreas Electrical Switching Facility, or Abandoned Warehouse #44...


...he stealthily scurries around without making a noise? No one's really paid attention to his feet, but obviously he’s been wearing these:


9. Thank God Fayed didn’t hit any speed bumps: That’s all we need..."Jack Bauer: Roadkill."


10. BEST TV FIGHT EVER! Wow. That final smackdown between Jack and Fayed really kicked butt!

...complete with the very Schwarzenegger-esque “Say hello to your brother.”


That fight included a hail of gunfire, gnashing of teeth, biting, screaming, beating with lead pipes and two-by-fours, lots of kidney punches and eye gouges, and finally a delightful hanging by chain.


I don’t know about you guys, but the whole thing reminded me of the last Powers Thanksgiving.

I got a little misty...


11. THE STORK LIVES!


PRAISE JESUS...

...THE STORK LIVES!


What an abrupt plot change! Sadly, Jack can’t get his money back on the Dead Stork Memorial Statue, because he had it engraved with "In loving memory of my beloved Terri, I mean, Nina, I mean, that Mexican drug lord's girlfriend whose name I can't recall, I mean, Diane (mother of Derek, the daughter I never had), I mean, Kate, I MEAN AUDREY! GEEZ!"



Next week:

Struggling to stay under CTU’s radar, Jack fights to rescue Audrey from Cheng Zhi, the Evil Chinese Chef...


...who threatens that if Jack doesn’t do everything he demands, he'll make Audrey Raines into STORK STEW!


Jack must bite the bullet and depend on assistance from Philip, his hell-bound father.


In a rare moment of civility, the bickering father and son reminisce about Red Afro before things went south...

...and that flippin’ pig!