Hour 17 (10-11 p.m.): I May Have Accidentally Tuned Into a Pay-per-view WWF Match Called “Chainz of Rage: Immortal Vs. The Hairless Turk”

Other than this one...

...THAT WAS THE BEST TV FIGHT EVER!

A few observations:

1. So, Gredenko’s dead.


That’s what he gets for becoming a Russian insurgent, collaborating with a terrorist, trying to blow up the United States, walking into a bar full of southern California bikers, and hiding under a pier after chopping off his own arm.


IT’S HIS OWN DANG FAULT!

2. Wow, what a bluff from Wayne Palmer.


We all thought it was very nonchalant and insane of him to start WWIII...

...like he was on crack...


...or huffing paint thinner...


...or shooting adrenaline...


...oh wait, he WAS shooting adrenaline. Never mind. He should be proud of himself for standing strong...


...and growing some major cojones...


...like the ones Martha Logan used to have.


Sad thing is he’s weakening and has developed a bad case of the shakes.

Maybe him’s just a little chilly and needs a hand-knit afghan...


(or "affikan," as my Aunt Della used to call them)
...or one of those full-length, sit-on-the-sofa sleeping-bag things.


3. Loved it when Jack used the term “pharmaceutical package” to refer to barbaric torturing implements.

Would’ve been funny if he had said, "“Here, take one of these."


4. Doyle’s a little trigger-happy, isn’t he?


Too bad a real bullet didn’t accidentally discharge during the whole fake Fayed rescue scene and hit Silver Spoons right in the kiester!


5. Speaking of the fake terrorist takeover, I actually thought Jack was merely another hapless victim of another L.A. drive-by...


...that just happened to be a highly complex staged operation involving a multinational roving band of heavily armed enraged California motorists.


6. Meanwhile, An Agent’s Deepest Desire returns...


...with Nadia and Milo on the verge of either major fisticuffs or uncontrollable passion. Either way, it’s a ridiculous juvenile subplot. You know, Milo may end up being the real a$$; the way he grabbed Nadia's arm was very telling.


I will place bets now that Nadia and Doyle will end up being a couple next season...

...and one of them will lose a limb.


7. I CANNOT BELIEVE they resorted to the ol’ “Ditch the Black Escalade in the Tunnel and Escape Through the Conveniently Unlocked Utility Door” trick!


Didn’t they just use that on Day 4 or 5?! I think Prison Break used it recently too. There must be a Plot Device Depository in Burbank somewhere.

Before we know it, we’ll see it used on Seventh Heaven...


...or Good Morning America!

8. Have you ever noticed that whenever Jack ducks into any kind of cement structure, be it the Department of Transportation Van Nuys Sub-station, the San Andreas Electrical Switching Facility, or Abandoned Warehouse #44...


...he stealthily scurries around without making a noise? No one's really paid attention to his feet, but obviously he’s been wearing these:


9. Thank God Fayed didn’t hit any speed bumps: That’s all we need..."Jack Bauer: Roadkill."


10. BEST TV FIGHT EVER! Wow. That final smackdown between Jack and Fayed really kicked butt!

...complete with the very Schwarzenegger-esque “Say hello to your brother.”


That fight included a hail of gunfire, gnashing of teeth, biting, screaming, beating with lead pipes and two-by-fours, lots of kidney punches and eye gouges, and finally a delightful hanging by chain.


I don’t know about you guys, but the whole thing reminded me of the last Powers Thanksgiving.

I got a little misty...


11. THE STORK LIVES!


PRAISE JESUS...

...THE STORK LIVES!


What an abrupt plot change! Sadly, Jack can’t get his money back on the Dead Stork Memorial Statue, because he had it engraved with "In loving memory of my beloved Terri, I mean, Nina, I mean, that Mexican drug lord's girlfriend whose name I can't recall, I mean, Diane (mother of Derek, the daughter I never had), I mean, Kate, I MEAN AUDREY! GEEZ!"



Next week:

Struggling to stay under CTU’s radar, Jack fights to rescue Audrey from Cheng Zhi, the Evil Chinese Chef...


...who threatens that if Jack doesn’t do everything he demands, he'll make Audrey Raines into STORK STEW!


Jack must bite the bullet and depend on assistance from Philip, his hell-bound father.


In a rare moment of civility, the bickering father and son reminisce about Red Afro before things went south...

...and that flippin’ pig!